(6 min read)
I presented my mom with a problem…some frustration I had at school. Something I knew she had an opinion on. My mom was a middle/high school English teacher for almost 40 years. Believe me…she had opinions about teen issues. But, in fairness, she also had reason. She had seen a lot as a teacher and had even once, I’m told, been a teenager herself.
What my mom did next would mark a major transition in our relationship, one that would transform me and shape me to the present day: she asked me what I thought I should do before offering me her thoughts.
As someone who has worked with teenagers intentionally in the context of youth ministry since I was a teenager some seventeen years ago, I’ve watched countless teens make big transitions in their life as they move from 6th to 12th grade. That amount of learning and frustration and growing can cause whiplash if you don’t buckle up. But teenagers aren’t the only ones transitioning.
The transition from being a parent of an elementary-schooler to the parent of a graduating senior can induce similar levels of turbulence. You go from being their parent, watching their every move, informing their decisions, making their schedules, and doing life with and for them to being a coach…ing parent.
A coach isn’t on the field. They aren’t moving the ball, scoring goals, running with the team or instructing them on the field about how the game of life is played. The coach is on the side, observing, calling things out occasionally, encouraging, but ultimately, letting the players figure it out.
There’s a lot of books on how to parent and oversee another human’s life. Not as many books on how to stop. Recently, however, I came across a book by Michael Bungay Stanier, a world-renowned leadership coach and author of “The Coaching Habit.”
Here’s the thing: leading others well is not just a concept applicable to the workplace. There are powerfully transferable concepts to any relationship, particularly when the ones you are pouring into and helping shape are your kids.
So, here are 7 questions to ask your kids any time they come to you with a problem or you want to check in because you see a problem.
These questions are designed to make your advice (your trip out onto the field) the last possible resort, optimizing the opportunity your child has to figure it out for themselves…and score big life points:
- The Kickstarter Question: What’s on your mind?
This is how we begin our conversations, in a way that is focused but open. It communicates intentionality, but it’s open enough that any response fits. It gets the conversation started. - The AWE Question: And what else?
Because we know that, teen or adult, the initial response to question one is usually never quite the full picture. Asking this question, “And what else?” helps you dig further without prying. It’s still open. It communicates curiosity and that the person before you has your full attention. It also communicates an assumption about someone: they are multilayered and wonderfully complicated.
So, whether they respond with “Nuthin’” to question one or “Mark dumped me,” this question gives them permission to be facing other issues that may be related or unrelated to their initial response. - The Focus Question: What’s the challenge for you here?
When someone, particularly a kid, offers a frustration or problem, we can be pretty quick to make assumptions that we understand the whole problem. We have more life experience or we’ve “been there before.” But it’s also just how our brains work as a survival meat machine.
As a result, kids are often deprived of the opportunity to articulate the actual problem.
In the previous example of Mark dumping your daughter, we might assume that she’s totally hurt by rejection and feeling little self-worth. But maybe the real challenge is that she has no one to go to prom with and now she has to face her friends. Maybe she wanted to dump Mark and he just beat her to it. Maybe this has nothing to do with Mark. We won’t know unless we ask. - The Foundation Question: What do you want?
This question takes us to the heart of the matter so that our attention is on what really matters. Consider the 9 universal human needs: the need for affection (to be wanted and valued), creation (to create), recreation (to have fun and relax), freedom (to be let off the hook), identity (to know who I am), understanding (to be empowered with knowledge), participation (to add value and be included, to belong), protection (to be safe and keep what you value safe), and subsistence (to have meaning).
Even adults are not used to articulating what it is they want. We’re used to expressing how we feel and jumping right into action. But rarely are we given (or take advantage of) the tools and opportunity to figure out what it is we actually want, on a human level, from this situation. This can be a tough question for anyone to answer, let alone our teens, but how will they learn otherwise? - The Lazy Question: How can I help…you do something about it?
By asking this question, we learn what they want our role to be. Maybe they just want you to listen, or they want support, encouragement, or maybe they’re expecting you to swoop in with your authority (and your wallet) and solve the problem for them.
The point is, we’re here to help…but we’re here to help them figure it out and take steps. It’s not our game. It’s not our life. They’re going to have to figure this stuff out and might as well start learning how and learning that they’re capable now, with your support, before they move out and we’re no longer there in quite the same supportive role.
This question may also evoke the coveted, “Well…what do you think I should do?”. Oh man. I love that question because I am full of great advice!
But this is where my mom’s approach comes into play: put off answering this question as long and as much as possible with the following response: “I have some thoughts, but before I share those, what do you think you should do?...And what else? …And what else? …And what else?”
It’s likely that your kid will say something you would have said OR, even better, come up with a solution you never even considered or thought possible. How empowering!!! If you’re lucky, you’ll never have to answer the “…what do you think I should do…” question. - The Strategic Question: If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?
This question doesn’t always apply, but if you have a teenager struggling with life balance and prioritization, this question almost always applies.
Usually, tensions rise when our commitments do, and kids have this idea that success=accomplishments, as opposed to learning. Life and school can often atrophy a kid’s curiosity and ability to navigate failure as a valuable part of learning.
As such, kids can often become chronic “yes”ers, and what they want is everything. They want to be great at everything, not miss anything, do everything, and crush it.
This just isn’t how life works. This question helps kids not only come to terms with their limitations, but learn that their time and attention is valuable and worth protecting.
It gives them permission to disappoint people when necessary and make better decisions about their time and how they use it in the future. - The Learning Question: What was most useful for you?
This question comes at the end and it’s an opportunity for you to learn what you did well and might want to do again in the future, or what you didn't do well and what you might want to change for future conversations. It also empowers your child to inform your parenting, to advocate for themselves, to have a voice because they have a valuable voice.
Hey, maybe you’re all too excited to launch your child into the world. Can’t do it fast enough. Or maybe this transition from being the sole reason a human being entered the world and then survived long enough to be in it, to a standing-on-the-sideline parent is one of the hardest transitions you’ll make in life. Wherever you are, the best thing we can do for our kids is show them what they can do for themselves.
Even as I enter parenthood myself, my mom (a pro-parent!), still empowers me to this day. She asks me lots of questions that never feel too prying. They’re always open, always curious, always humble.
Not only do I feel more equipped to be a mom as a result, but I trust my mom with anything and everything. For as long as she’s on my sideline, cheering me on, helping me see things, supporting me in my mistakes, and helping me get back out on the field, I will go to her. Hopefully, my future daughter will be blessed because I had a great mom and coach to emanate.
Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash
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